I wasn't in a good shape recently.
Not in positive mood. Feeling low. Feeling drained out.
Feeling useless.
Read some books and got recommended that is healthy to scribble out, so here I am.
Started a new job weeks ago. Changed my career line to a 9-6 routine job, not professional line.
But I handle like shit. Picking up slow and on & off got lectured by senior.
Super mess up in my mind. Stressful.
What am I doing in my life?
Why am I still in this kinda mess and low position at age of 31?
I never really had a proper planning for my life, so, this is what I deserved now?
I can't sleep well. Hairs keep falling unhealthily.
Worst case, I can't feel happiness. Literally.
I do smile but there is something stuck in my mind that takes away the joy right away.
Then I can feel my mind becomes cloudy and moody.
People do tell me "is okay. is easy. is alright"
But I can't feel "is easy" and is not alright.
Recently I have so many doubts to myself.
What is my value?
What am I doing right now?
Why can't I do it?
Is it I actually a stupid just I too clumsy noticed myself?
Why can't I accept those with open heart?
Why I so weak and so lost, then end up in tears and chaos?
As an "adult" I can't voice out everything to anybody.
I need to "learn" to absorb, digest and live with the negative.
I need to be "positive".
Nobody would be always there for my negative and tears. Not even another half / best buddy.
Yea. Always easier to say than be done.
Good luck to myself.
Wish can flip over these downsides soon.
☂